Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
