In the future we'll all be gay
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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