You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
