I like my sex mixed with concussions.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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