I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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