Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
