the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
