and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
