Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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