I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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