I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I believe in your delicious
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
