My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
