just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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