my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
did i walk over a car last night?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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