bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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