Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
