You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
