theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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