I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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