I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
