college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
