My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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