if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
