okay pat passed out under dana's car
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
