Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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