If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
