Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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