I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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