when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
