I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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