so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She's the barista slut.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
