I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
