he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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