i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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