Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
