Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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