That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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