break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
