i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
