When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
