meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
