she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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