i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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