you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
