mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
