Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
