yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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