And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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