if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
not ubering you a puppy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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