did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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