I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
