I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
