i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
