True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
