nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
