Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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