Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
