He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
