He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
