you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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