My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
